7/3-Telling my brain to keep it down…

…you ever been in a situation, where you are completely conflicted between who you are as individual, what you want, what you need, and the love for someone else, love for something else in one big fucking melting pot? That was my last year. I didn’t know what the fuck was “Mike Rodriguez”. I didn’t know who the fuck I was. I was so depressed and so out of tuned and touch of who i am, i couldn’t look myself in the mirror. I couldn’t show up for my kids. I couldn’t show up for my teammates, coaches, nor for myself when i needed myself most. I pretty much sabotaged myself, no not physically or anything of that nature. Well, i did go into a fight half prepared and allowed myself to get put to sleep. So i guess that’s some sort of self harm. I don’t know, maybe one of y’all can correct it. I fucking hated myself plain and simple. I didn’t noticed how powerful mirrors are. I wouldn’t have imagine in a million years that a mirror can show me my true colors, my own reflection was fucking disgusted with who i was and the things I’ve done. A couple of years ago, back in 2018-2019 or something. I had these same feelings and i didn’t know how to deal with them or how to confront them. I just would sulk and sulk in this fucking shitty feeing pond. When i got out of my marriage and moved out, that’s when shit changed. I went from walking in quick sand to walking on Rainbow Road. Shit really can changed for me. I feel alive, i can breathe again. I feel like I’m just a whole different person in every shape way or form. I’m laying on my futon at 2:52am listening to Southern Lights and reflecting of the dark ages in my life. Issa a fucking vibe! I feel so good that i can look back on shit and pat myself on the back that i overcame so much shit. Alright, i wanted to share that with all you cute fuckers. Goodnight and sweetdreams